Issue 20: Ticket to Paradise
The lump of coal in your stocking you neither wanted nor asked for
Ursula: Hey, is this thing still on? Hello?
Kurt: Wait, don’t I know you from somewhere? Didn’t we…didn’t we write a monthly newsletter together?
Ursula: I have vague memories of this! We used to write about marriage, I think? And then after our June issue, we had some plans to take a summer break, which eventually turned into…this. Sorry we’ve been absent, friends, but sometimes, as in my case, you just need to have a sad summer that bleeds into a morose fall. But I feel better now!
Kurt: And now it’s somehow December? Almost Christmas? But I feel more into the holiday spirit this year, which is to say a very small amount–but I’ll take it as a win against seasonal depression. And it is on this occasion, in this most festive of months, that we bring to you a big ol’ lump of coal in your stocking. That’s right, we misguidedly watched the recent Clooney/Roberts collab, Ticket to Paradise, and we thought we’d deck your motherfucking halls with our thoughts on it. Don’t say we didn’t get you anything for Christmas!
Ursula: The movie opens with these two incredibly rich, successful people talking to their respective colleagues about how bad their marriage to each other was, twenty-some years ago. When that much time has gone by, and you’re loath to even be in the same building as your ex, one has to assume that some really crazy shit went down. Can’t wait to find out what happened here!
Kurt: Keep waiting! Because we won’t find out until almost the halfway mark. Until then we have to put up with David and Georgia Cotton (yes, that’s right) being miserable assholes to each other from moment one. Their banter–if we can call it that–is mean-spirited with zero humor. This movie cast two of the biggest stars of our generation, who normally have some of the best on-screen chemistry, and gave them some of the worst dialogue I’ve ever heard.
Ursula: That’s one of the really confounding things about this movie. Here, for example, are David and Georgia arguing in an auditorium while their daughter graduates from college:
-Excuse me. That’s my armrest.
-No, it’s in the middle.
-This is so like you. Take, take, take.
-It is not a metaphor. It is an armrest.
-Give me half, please. I would like half.
-Just stop. Just stop.
-Just give me half! What is wrong with you?
-I just want half!
Friends, it is nearly two hours of this scintillating stuff.
The one thing the Cottons (sigh) can agree on is that their daughter, Lily (Kaitlyn Dever), is amazing and beautiful and has a bright future ahead of her. She’s finished school and is going to spend some time in Bali before she starts working as a lawyer. But, surprise! She falls in love with a local seaweed farmer, Gede (Maxime Bouttier), and decides to marry him pretty much immediately.
Kurt: To his credit, Gede is handsome and charming. But her parents are hell-bent on ruining their daughter’s life. Why, you might ask? There’s no reason! They’re just narcissistic jerks who can’t stand that their daughter may have found true happiness. I kid you not, dear reader, their sole characterization is their hatred of each other, with their love for their daughter a distant second. It becomes even more awkward when David and Georgia travel to Bali for the wedding. I don’t want to say the two of them are racist but wow do they skirt the line.
Ursula: Yeah, you can tell that the studio probably had a bunch of focus groups to make sure they didn’t do anything with this movie that might offer even a whiff of racism, and they mostly do a good job of making the Balinese characters well-rounded and interesting while the white people are sort of awkward and bumbling. Then you think about all the choices that led to the name “Georgia Cotton” again and you’re back to square one. I’m sorry, I just can’t let it go!
Kurt: How many people had eyes on that script and said “Yes, Georgia Cotton. There’s a 100% unproblematic name!” But at this point the two of them are still committed to ruining this marriage. And, why is Lily deserving of this? She’s in love, she’s beloved by Gede’s family, so naturally her parents are mortally afraid of her not coming back to Chicago to be a big city lawyer and trudge through life like them. I’m guessing! David and Georgia’s tune changes ever so slightly when they find out that Gede is not only a seaweed farmer, but a wealthy seaweed farmer.
Ursula: Yes, turns out Gede has a seaweed deal with Whole Foods, which we all love for him.
Kurt: David tells the sad, confusing story of his divorce from Georgia to Lily’s best friend, Wren (Billie Lourd), who is just there to party and sleep around in Bali and honestly she’s the most level-headed person in this whole movie. She has her priorities straight.
The backstory, finally: there was this spot of land by the lake that David and Georgia fell in love with and David built a house upon (quick aside: if they fell in love in Chicago, there would be NO PLACE for this house to exist because you’re not allowed to build on the lakefront. Unless…they are from EVANSTON). But David grew to resent the house and Georgia for movie reasons. And then the house mysteriously catches fire?! No follow-up questions, no explanation. It just burns down and we are meant to take it at face value. Was it arson? An unfortunate accident? No one knows!
Ursula: This part of the movie reminded me so much of The Parent Trap, where the parents got divorced over reasons that were both completely non-specific but somehow serious enough for them to SPLIT UP THEIR TWIN DAUGHTERS and never speak again. Once again I am asking for just a crumb of nuance, please!
So anyway, David and Georgia agree to put aside their mutual hatred for the common cause of preventing their daughter’s wedding. They start by stealing the wedding rings. Gede, in his infinite wisdom, kind of knows that they did it, but Lily is none the wiser. After all, rings don’t matter when you’re young and in love. Clearly Lily’s cranky, cynical old parents have misjudged.
Kurt: I’d love to say that from there, it’s a witty romp of a film full of heart and meaningful resolution. But honestly, the rest of the film drags along. They go swimming with–and David gets attacked by–dolphins, they have a raucous night of beer pong (featuring some of the worst music the 90s had to offer), they visit a “cursed” island, and the four of them get “lost” in the “jungle.” However, they find a small bit of plot when Lily finds the missing rings in Georgia’s purse. Which only made me think, why didn’t you throw the rings in the ocean?!
Ursula: Georgia also gets a surprise visit from her boyfriend, a French pilot named Paul, who awkwardly proposes marriage a couple times and is gently turned down. Then he is gone. I guess he exists as a sort of comparison to David, but he is so boring that I almost forgot to mention him.
Kurt: Surprisingly little happens in this film! All of the “hijinks” melt together into one bland, gorgeously-filmed blob. There’s a brief will they/won’t they scene with David and Georgia that made us both squirm. As attractive and charming as Clooney and Roberts are, there is absolutely zero reason for their characters to be together.
But they patch things up enough, and have enough of a predictable change of heart, to make it to Lily and Gede’s wedding. David and Georgia give the couple their blessing and the movie makes its slow walk of shame to the end.
Ursula: The movie leaves the fate of our couple intentionally unresolved, I guess so that you can watch it and come to your own conclusions. Tragically, however, no one cares enough to bother to do that. But at least we got to see some beautiful island shots with beautiful people in them?
Well, Kurt, we did it, we managed to get this issue published while it’s still 2022. I have a week of snuggling my baby niece and eating Christmas cookies ahead of me, which I’m very much looking forward to.
Kurt: That sounds lovely! We are visiting family for a little bit before basking in a lazy holiday glow. But, if anyone announces their engagement over the holiday, I’m gonna have to conscript Gil to sabotage it with me, no matter what it takes. No matter how much beer pong we’ll have to play. We will throw some rings into Lake Michigan!
Before we let you go, we compiled some of our favorite moments from Ticket to Paradise that didn’t make it into the main issue. Happy holidays!
Honorable Mention Moments:
When a reluctant George Clooney finally joins the rest of the family in swimming with dolphins and one of them jumps right over his head. You know how it is in Bali!!
Wren is a highlight of this movie but honestly the MVP is Beth Anne, a minor character who steals every scene she’s in. She’s a sassy older lady who deserved more screen time.
At the beginning of the movie, Georgia is getting ready for Lily’s graduation ceremony in a highrise building with the Marina Towers outside her window. Whether or not she’s in T***p Tower is up for debate!
When they’re beginning the journey to Bali, Lily packs Wren on one of those luggage dollies and carts her hungover ass all the way through the airport. A classic college vibe.
Just anytime that Georgia is wearing some kind of mechanic’s jumper as her vacation wear. On that note, the bizarre silhouettes of Julia Roberts’ shorts throughout the movie will haunt me for a long time.
Not only is the name Georgia Cotton very cringe, but that is her married name. She never went back to her maiden name, which was probably something even worse, like Plantation.
The last unforgivable sin of this movie, called Ticket to Paradise, is that they NOT ONCE use the song “Two Tickets to Paradise” by Eddie Money. Not even once!