Issue 17: The one about money!
Who makes it, what it means, and what marital issues it can really solve.
Issue 17: Marriage and Money
Kurt: Good day to you all. This one is coming in at the tail end of the month because life happens, ya know? We hope everyone had a festive St Patty’s and set some intentions on the Ides of March. This month we’re talking about the thing that everyone wants, but no one seems to have enough of: cash, dinero, moolah, money.
Ursula: We’ve been wanting to talk about marriage and finances for a while now, and at least one reader, in my memory, has requested an issue about money. It’s a good topic, and also a HUGE one. Where do we even begin?
Now feels like a good time to dive in, though, because both you and I are at a point where we’re reshuffling finances with our partners as our career paths evolve. So we could start there—how we’ve thought about money in our marriages over the years, and how the arrangements and philosophies we hold about money have changed.
Kurt: I don’t think anything causes me intense, all-consuming anxiety quite the way talking about finances does. But as I grew up, I went from being someone who hates talking about money, to someone who still hates talking about money. Gil and I both come from families who were not unfamiliar with financial insecurity, and I still feel that way sometimes; my dad taught me absolutely nothing about money (except that it was fun to spend…until it was gone), so I had to take that upon myself. And for a while it was scary for Gil and I to talk about finances. There are days we have panic attacks about worst case scenarios. But I think being honest and up front with each other about financial fears can really do a couple good.
Ursula: I also kinda hate talking about money. I grew up not quite poor but close to it, and even though I’m pretty responsible with my bills and all that, I really hate having a strict budget because it just makes me anxious. I prefer to have a general sense of how much I can spend in a given situation and just deal with the ramifications later. JD, on the other hand, is much more comfortable keeping to a specific budget. It works for us, though, because we’re pretty hands-off with each other’s discretionary spending habits.
Kurt: Gil and I love to spend money. It’s kind of a problem! And it sucks when one of us has to be the wet blanket and point out that we’ve been ordering delivery for four nights in a row. Because we love convenience!
Ursula: Ugh, food delivery is our weakness, too. It’s not like I can make my own sushi!
Our day-to-day spending is a pretty inconsequential part of our relationship, but JD and I have definitely had to renegotiate some bigger money issues over the years, and it’s tricky. When he and I were first dating, we made about the same amount of money, and he helped pay off my student loans (BLESS HIM). A few years later, I got a job that paid quite a bit more while simultaneously supporting him during his time in nursing school. Once he graduated and started working full time again, it was time for another rejiggering of our finances. Now I’m about to start another new job, one with a significant enough pay increase that we’ll probably be due for the “who pays how much in rent” conversation again.
That also means I get to go back to being the highest earner in our household. It doesn’t mean anything, in practical terms, but I like being the breadwinner and I REALLY like that JD doesn’t have any weird patriarchal hang-ups about it. That never made sense to me. Dudes, don’t be weird if your wife makes more money than you. You realize it benefits you BOTH, right?
Kurt: Money is money, y’all! It shouldn’t matter who makes it. After Gil and I got married and figured out we had a lot more money shared between us than separately, I helped him pay off his student loans, too. For a while, Gil was able to support us both the majority of the time, with me pitching in when I could. And living the freelancer life helped me focus on my writing. But now, our priorities are changing: Gil is starting a new business venture, and I am currently looking for full-time work. I’m sure we’re not alone in this kind of shift: the pandemic has made us reconsider what is really important to us. I was able to solely pursue my creative endeavors, but now it’s time for me to do what Gil has done for me. We try to keep things as even as possible, but it’s true that it takes a lot of work. And it’s boring and tedious most of the time. I wonder if rich people have as hard of a time talking about finances as us normal folk?
Ursula: In my experience, rich people are the worst when it comes to even nominal amounts of money. They will absolutely hound you over a missing $4 and they rarely tip more than 15%. I bet their big-picture finance conversations are pure hell.
JD and I have mostly been able to avoid having major conflicts around money. A lot of that is just the luck and privilege of having enough money that every penny spent doesn’t have to be a conversation, and that takes 90% of the potential pressure off. We have a joint savings account that we both contribute to, but our checking accounts are separate. If I want to spend $75 on a nice SPF moisturizer, which I may or may not have done today, JD doesn’t have to know. And he doesn’t care, either, because I pay my share of our expenses and we share the same long-term financial goals, like one day buying a house (although we’re millennials, so you know, we’ll see).
Kurt: I’m sorry to have to break it to you here, but you’ve got to stop eating avocado toast! I know it’s delicious but it’s costing you equity!
Gil and I have a similar banking arrangement. We have a joint account for bills and groceries and such. But we also have our own checking accounts for our own splurge purchases. We even have a savings account that we put money into for big stuff like taxes or for when the refrigerator, dishwasher, and oven all go kaput within weeks of each other (true story). Some months, things are tighter, and some months we have a little extra to play with.
Ursula: How about the ways that money weasels its way into the rest of our lives? JD and I do pretty well talking about money when it’s really about money, but we both have been known to use it as a lazy jab if we’re arguing about something else. I suspect a lot of people can relate to that moment when a conversation about division of household chores takes a detour into who-pays-how-much-for-what territory.
Kurt: Speaking of that, there’s this one Reddit post that really, as the kids would say, sent me. This had a little moment on social media, but it’s been all I can think about when writing this issue. It’s one of those “Am I the Asshole?” (AITA) posts where I can’t decide who is in fact the bigger asshole.
Ursula: The short version of the story was that a couple are planning to have a child soon, and the woman asks for the man to pay her about $50,000 to make up for the lost wages she’ll suffer due to delivering the baby and staying out of the workforce for a while afterwards. Both these people are high earners, so their argument seemed to be about the principle, not the dollar amount specifically. Oh, and they’re not legally married but “spiritually” married. For whatever that’s worth.
Kurt: There is so much that irks me about this post. The privilege, the “spiritual marriage” (I bet Gwyneth Paltrow came up with that), but it also distills the idea of having a child down to a financial transaction. In the post, the “husband” says they decided they wanted to have kids and just both decided to stop taking birth control. Based on everything in this post, how did that make sense to either of them? And, I’m sorry, but “spiritually” married? Such frou-frou new age nonsense. If that’s what we’re calling it, break out the sage because I was spiritually married to my last partner for a decade.
Ursula: Right. It takes the very normal, responsible act of planning for your future to a whole new level. You and I aren’t parents—here’s a call to any readers who ARE parents and would like to weigh in—but I still find it weird.
Then again, I asked JD for his perspective and he found it completely reasonable. Is my husband more feminist than me? Do I even know myself at all?
Kurt: I’m glad we’re coordinating our crises, then. Because do you know how hard it has been for queer people to get married, to have their relationships recognized, to have children? And these dum-dums are just flying by the seat of their pants, taking everything about being cis and hetero for granted. Imagine a situation where you couldn’t combine your finances even if you wanted to–that was very much a reality for a lot of queer couples for a long time.
Ursula: That is such a good point! Of course people decide to get married or not get married for all kinds of reasons, but I hadn’t considered that opting out of a legal marriage while otherwise operating as a married couple can be irritating to people who’ve had to fight for it.
Kurt: It reeks of privilege. I remember being turned away at the hospital to see my former partner after a health scare specifically because I wasn’t “related” to him. Yet I’m sure if we were a straight couple, it wouldn't have been an issue. And I understand wanting to keep your finances separate to a degree. But isn’t one of the advantages of being partnered to someone (ostensibly for a lifetime) the benefit of pooling your resources together?
Ursula: Yeah, especially if you’re going to have children. That means sharing so much more than just money—it’s an enormous amount of time and energy. You absolutely have to be partners in the raising of children (or you don’t, in which case the marriage will fall apart or at least be fucking miserable). Plus, I fail to see how for two wealthy adults, an exchange of $50k will make the difference in whether they can pull off a happy and healthy family arrangement.
Kurt: Fifty grand is not an insignificant amount, either! And this couple is throwing it around like it’s pocket change. Good for them, I guess, but there are so many people who will never even pull in a salary that high. Okay I’m depressed now!
Ursula: On the one hand, I see the wife’s point that she’s losing out on income by taking maternity leave. That’s a systemic issue, and she has posed a solution of sorts for her own family. On the other hand, it feels like she’s girlbossing the whole situation in a very gross way.
Kurt: Now she just needs to gaslight and gatekeep and the trifecta will be complete!
But seeing as how we shouldn’t give these people any more brain space than we have already—and seeing as how April is looming—let’s talk about taxes. Are you like me and pretend they don’t exist until it’s too late or are you normal?
Ursula: I fear I’m an even WORSE feminist by admitting this, but JD has complete control of our taxes and I’m happy that way. Sometimes I look over the numbers he’s plugged into TurboTax or wherever before he sends it off, but only a cursory glance. I just hand him my W-2 every January and haven’t had to think about doing taxes in years. I’m sure one day this will bite me right in the ass.
Kurt: You are truly BLESSED. Taxes are the absolute worst. We just take our taxes to Jackson Hewitt (feel free to sponsor us, JH!). It’s still stressful, but at least we don’t have to figure things out ourselves. My palms are sweaty just thinking about it.
Ursula: That’s probably my worst financial habit! Your turn.
Kurt: My worst financial habit? From a shopping standpoint, probably shoes. I know, it’s very cliché, but mama has to have her fashionable footwear! Oh, I also have anxiety over opening my banking app, because looking at it makes the dollar amount real. But if I don’t open it, I can pretend I have enough for those Fluevogs (this ad space could be yours!).
Ursula: OK, we are financial anxiety twins. Maybe we should say we’re in a spiritual marriage about it.
Kurt: What do you lovely readers think? Are you happy sharing your finances with your partner? Or do you bury your money in the garden in the backyard in hopes that that money tree will finally grow?
Ursula: Just please don’t get into crypto, you freaks.
Kurt: Till next month, good people!