Issue 16: Wedding rituals are really spinning out lately
Or is it just the world?
Ursula: I’ve been trying to figure out how to start this issue. This is really the very smallest of problems, but when you’re an author of a frothy, casual newsletter about marriage, it can sometimes feel very silly and out of touch compared to whatever national or global catastrophe is simultaneously occurring. (It’s a big reason why we didn’t publish for most of 2020.)
Two days ago, Russia invaded Ukraine. Everything feels insignificant compared to that. I will emphasize that I really do not know what I’m talking about when it comes to any sort of geopolitical conflict, and so I won’t try. We were going to talk about wedding rituals this month: the sweet, the cringe, the over-the-top. And we still will, because we worked hard on it, even though we really struggled with motivation this month. I just want to say first that if our goofy newsletter seems out of place, well, it totally is. Like and subscribe!
We came up with the idea for this month’s issue a few weeks ago, Kurt, when I mentioned to you that I’d seen a bunch of viral videos of brides doing their “first look” with the wedding’s groomsmen, or with her dad and brothers. It wasn’t just one or two, it was enough to make me go, is this a thing now?
The first look concept itself is already a fairly new practice; it gives the couple a moment to savor their wedding together privately. So it’s been weird to watch it morph into this whole other EVENT that includes, in some cases, a dozen people or more.
More broadly, it fits in with other big life events that we’ve made elaborate and cinematic, mostly with the aim of putting them on social media. Like gender reveals or incredibly over-the-top marriage proposals. Remember the one where the guy pretended his plane was going down?
Kurt: It is wild out there. I saw one proposal where a man staged a carjacking on his fiancée? Pretended he had a gun, made her get out of her car, turn around, and–BAM–dropped to a knee. I have never hoped for something to be completely faked for social media more.
Ursula: Imagine going through all that and then agreeing to get married?? Girl, run.
In addition to the social media aspect, I feel like wedding rituals have gotten especially wild since the pandemic started. It makes sense that if you got married in 2021, you might be feeling the urge to make things as festive, meaningful, and infused with feeling as possible. And that’s fair. I mean damn, if you had to postpone your wedding and weren’t sure your loved ones would live to see it, have as many different kinds of first looks as you like! On the other hand…this shit is getting corny. It’s also SUCH a straight culture thing, at least from what I’ve seen.
Kurt: I feel like I haven’t seen too much of that happening with the queers? I’m probably wrong, and I’m sure there are some cringe-inducing gay weddings out there. And not to dunk on the straights (okay, okay, I am totally meaningfully dunking on the straights), have you seen the trend to have one of the groomsmen prank the groom during the first look? He turns around and gasp my bride is a MAN?! In a wedding dress?! Hilarious, I’m sure, but could y’all’s pranks not include some gay panic? (That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer.)
Ursula: Oh, one HUNDRED percent. And we can also do without the assumption that accidentally holding hands with your guy friend is gross and embarrassing, even if you’re straight. Love each other, guys! It’s okay!
(Sidebar: look at me accidentally finding the MOST ADORABLE gif of the groomsman-as-bride prank. You’re okay, dudes. I leave you out of my judgment.)
Kurt: The only thing that Gil and I did that could be considered “traditional” were wedding vows. I kind of ad-libbed them? My brain in the days leading up to the day would not let me write them down. So I just said, to hell with it, I’ll do it live! It felt more honest to me, to just speak from the heart.
Ursula: There were a lot of wedding rituals JD and I were happy to forego. We walked into the ceremony together, so that I wouldn’t have to be “given away.” I opted for a vintage clutch instead of a bouquet of flowers, and we didn’t do a garter toss or anything like that. But there were other aspects of our wedding that were plenty traditional.
Kurt: No garter toss?! How could you forego something so incredibly sexy?!
Ursula: I know. Everyone was begging for JD to get me out on the dance floor and remove it from my thigh with his teeth, but I said no, like a huge bitch.
Kurt: After the beauty of the ceremony, the emotions, the tears, you know everyone wants to see some mildly titillating public action. Wedding parties be horny, what can I say?
The idea that brides get the flower toss, but the grooms’ tradition is so creepy begs for some new traditions. Make weddings dangerous! Flower toss, but one of the flowers has a poisonous spider in it, or maybe throw a hornet’s nest instead of carnations. Garter ceremony, but the garter is covered in broken glass, or swap your leg out for that of a mannequin.
Ursula: LOL, I might have considered a garter removal if I’d thought of that. Bring the inherent risk of marriage to LIFE!
By the way, isn’t it funny that both you and I elected to have private ceremonies, with a larger reception later on? I’m curious about how you and Gil came to that decision. It was a compromise on our part: JD would have preferred a much smaller affair in general, and I wanted the full-blown party. This was a decent way to meet each of our preferences.
Kurt: Well, as we were getting married, we were also in the process of buying our condo, so there were a lot of factors we considered. But it really came down to where we wanted to spend our wedding money. For us, it was the “reception,” which was just a glorified house party that we held the week after our ceremony. With a bartender and some signature cocktails. It was a great time.
Ursula: That’s the part that everyone likes, anyway!
Kurt: Not to be a party pooper, but a lot of our rituals surrounding marriage that are taken as normal come from pretty dark places in human history. Spoiler: the dark places are patriarchy!
That “first look” comes from an arranged marriage practice. That’s why the brides had to wear a veil, so the husbands wouldn't just up and bounce on if they discovered their soon-to-be wives were “ugly.” It would be bad for business! Like an old school version of Married at First Sight, but somehow even worse.
Ursula: Oh, most of them are SO dark! It tickles me how many wedding rituals are rooted in the idea that brides were particularly susceptible to evil spirits on their wedding day. Carrying a bouquet? It might help ward off evil forces (and cover up the fact that you are a medieval peasant who hasn’t bathed in months). Got bridesmaids? They’re there to CONFUSE SATAN!
Kurt: So if bridesmaids were there to fool Satan, did the groomsmen serve a similar role?
Ursula: I read something about the best man, in particular, being there to snag the bride if she tried to escape. Like, you’re supposed to choose your swarthiest, scariest friend to be your best man for that purpose alone. (Although: sounds hot!)
Kurt: Are these traditions carrying some heavy baggage? Yes. Are they for everyone? No. I think that’s what we’re trying to get at here. Some traditions, like vows, or bouquets, are easy to adapt to your liking. If you want to do the garter toss, go for it. But do not let other people tell you what traditions you should or shouldn’t hold dear.
Ursula: That’s exactly right. As I get older I’m less inclined to judge people harshly for their choices than I used to be. But then I see some influencer trend happening in the wedding space and instantly want to heap all my own conflicted feelings on top of it.
I’m going to liken it to awards season, since the Oscars are coming up. When nominations come out we get collectively furious about whoever got snubbed, while simultaneously pointing out that the awards are hollow and meaningless. That’s how I feel about wedding stuff. It’s ALL STUPID but also SO BEAUTIFUL and everyone should DO WHAT THEY WANT but ONLY IF IT’S WHAT I WOULD DO! I’m the worst.
Kurt: But what do you all think? Are the old rituals here to stay? Is tradition still meaningful? Should we all start making our own? But most importantly, what will you do to traumatize your spouse in the name of social media? In any event, we hope we’ve provided a little bit of levity to your day, because goodness knows the rest of the world isn’t making good on it. Till next month!