Ursula: HELLO from the great indoors! Kurt, I am so glad right now that we decided to make this project a newsletter rather than a podcast. One, because we all know the world doesn’t need another podcast, but also because our routine of co-writing this newsletter in Google Drive from our respective homes fits very neatly into the parameters of social isolation. It’s nice to have one thing in our lives that requires no modification. Well, other than the fact that we had a very different issue planned for the month of March originally, but are saving that one for a time when life is a little more normal. I can’t really think about anything but the pandemic.
Kurt: Yes, the secret is out! We don’t have our newsletter conversations in person! But yeah, we’ll probably keep this issue short and sweet because things are heavy out there for everyone, and I think for the two of us it’s hard to focus on anything other than this wild time we’re living through. So let’s get to it! What has social distancing wrought?!
Ursula: I saw this tweet and it made me start thinking about a lot of dynamics that couples (and really any cohabitating people) are going to have to reckon with in the coming weeks/months:
When things first started to look a little scary a few weeks ago, I felt like I had to balance my own anxiety against JD’s hyper-logical brain. “I’m not panicking, I’m just being CAUTIOUS” is something I said to him once or twice as I loaded an extra can of black beans into our shopping cart. As if panic would have been somehow uncool or inappropriate.
Kurt: We’re alike in that way. I’m the anxious introvert in our relationship, and for me the idea of not being able to leave the house was oddly comforting. Suddenly my decision anxiety was gone and that freed up a lot of mental space. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still anxious! But it’s one less thing to worry about.
And thinking about that tweet, I’ve seen plenty of others tweeting about the strange phenomenon of couples realizing they dislike spending large amounts of time together? Did they not know that was a possibility going into marriage or…?
Ursula: Ha, yeah. To be fair, being together 24/7 with no breaks would probably be hard, though I think JD and I would be more or less okay. Having some outdoor space and adequate room in your home probably makes a big difference in these situations! But you and I are pretty lucky, I think--we both live with the people we like best in the world. There are no difficult family members or roommates to have to struggle along with. Neither of us have small children to wrangle through this, which is, as I’ve heard, a struggle. How are you guys holding up?
Kurt: Gil is definitely braver about the whole situation. I think I was more into the idea of quarantining myself back before it was more or less mandatory, but we still went and did some social activities (and don’t think I didn’t spend a few good days convincing myself I was fine). But after this weekend, we went and voted early and I finally made the commitment. Long story short, Gil’s boss is a literal monster and waited until yesterday to let everyone work from home. So we’re just now getting to experience working from home together, because his boss didn’t think they “deserved” to work from home. I just...
Ursula: That. Is. Shameful.
Kurt: Luckily the two of us are used to spending every day together. When we first started dating, I got stuck at his apartment during one of the truly terrible polar vortexes. It was the first legit sleepover we had together, and suddenly we were stuck together for like four days. And you know what? We got along splendidly. So we’ve done the forced habitation thing, and I’m confident we can do it again.
Regardless, he will still most likely split his time between our condo and his boyfriend’s apartment whaaaaaaat. Yes, in case y’all forgot, Gil and I are in a Polyamorous Relationship.
Ursula: Oooooooooooh! The intrigue!!!!!!
Kurt: Oh I know. I’ve scandalized so many people already. And I think we have a whole issue devoted to the topic on its way, so I’ll save a lot of that for later. But this is the first major relationship either of us have been in, aside from each other. And add this whole pandemic nightmare to make it especially bizarre to navigate. Gil and I aren’t presenting any symptoms, and neither is his boyfriend, Inky. At this point we’ve all shared each other’s germs—oh get your mind out of the gutter, everyone—just by the very nature of the relationship, so if one of us already has it, we all probably have it. What will be really interesting is if one of us gets sick, how does that work logistically? Does Inky come stay with us if he gets sick? How does that change the dynamic in our relationship(s)?
Ursula: This is fascinating and not something that had crossed my mind yet, in thinking about all the different home situations people are working with!
For JD and me, it’s been really interesting as well. In a bizarre twist of timing, he started his first job as a nurse last week. LAST WEEK. From what I understand, his unit isn’t going to have a lot of COVID patients on it--at least, not knowingly, and not for the time being, though we both know how quickly things are changing. But now I’m working at home for the foreseeable future, so with JD at the hospital most days, it’s a complete reversal of how our lives were for the past several years. Until this week, I was going to the office every day and he was at home. I think that at the least, the cats are a little confused.
Kurt: JD is doing such important vital work. I am so grateful to him and everyone else that has to be out in the workforce right now.
And people posting about their pets has been one of the best things to come out of this. I see at least twice the amount of cute cats and doggos (and penguins!) every day on social media.
For me, living in self-imposed quarantine really reinforces the idea that we are all in this together, despite how weird and selfish some people seem to be right now. We won’t survive this if we don’t work together...by remaining away from each other. But in the past week I feel like I’ve been better at checking up on my friends on the regular, and I think many of my friendships have strengthened because of it. All it took was a pandemic!
Ursula: Absolutely. It’s a weird, traumatic time we’re in, but at least we can all support each other. And look, JD and I are such homebodies. It’s pretty common for us to spend a whole weekend at home, but obviously this is different because we kind of don’t have a choice. I’m also really proud of him working in healthcare, putting his own safety at risk in a way neither of us anticipated; but can I tell you something else? I’m additionally grateful that he has to be out of the house so much. Thoughts and prayers to the couples who are quarantining and working from home, together.
Kurt: I think the most important piece of advice I can give is to figure out your day-to-day schedules. Even if it’s as simple as “wake up, do work, have lunch, do more work, etc etc.” Living the freelance author life for the last couple of years has made me be my own boss, so the transition wasn’t as jarring as I’m sure it is for people used to the 9-to-5 lifestyle.
For those of you in quarantine, we salute you!
Ursula: Yup, I’ve been taking a morning walk every day before I log into my work computer. It’s taking the place of my normal commute and has honestly helped me to structure my day a little bit more. Plus the fresh air is nice. The thing I keep reminding myself is: Despite everything, it’s spring! The buds are coming out on the trees! The ground smells nice! I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I can.
Anyway, I think that about covers it. I don’t really have any advice that hasn’t been covered one million times by others, but...take care of one another, y’all. At least we have the internet.
Kurt: Dance breaks. Take plenty of dance breaks. You’ll thank me.