Ursula: Hey everyone! Remember us? It’s been about six months since we published our last newsletter, and we probably don’t need to explain why. The world is in crisis right now, and we haven’t been up for a frothy conversation about marriage. But, like a lot of people, Kurt and I have also been watching a lot of TV while we wait out the pandemic. That’s what our return issue is all about.
Before we get to that, how about a quick check-in? Kurt, how are you and Gil holding up?
Kurt: Where do I start?! We’ve been fine, all things considered. Gil is working from home half the time, and going into work the other half. His office is all very orderly and they’re taking all the necessary precautions. I’ve finished my second novel (whaaaaat) and I’m laying the groundwork for a third one, as well as getting back into making more art.
A lot of my time has been spent trying to feel better about going outside and returning to some form of “regularity.” So far I’ve been able to go to the coffee shop on the corner, and have even made a few Target runs! This is also helped by the fact that I am now on some anti-anxiety medication! It’s been nothing short of life-changing.
Ursula: I’m also a big fan of anti-anxiety meds (Lexapro for LYFE). Congratulations! Also, the fact that you’ve been able to do so much writing is seriously impressive. I’m on the other end of the spectrum: writing has been a non-starter for me--until now--and at the end of August I celebrated the fact that I was able to finish just READING a book. It’s been grim, y’all. My nerves are shot. But I am grateful that JD and I are healthy, that his job as a nurse has been going well, that I have a good job I can do from home, and that we were able to move to a bigger apartment this summer. We each have our own office now, as well as a porch, and it’s made the isolation a lot more bearable.
Kurt: That sounds heavenly! I really need to read more, but when I’m in writing mode, my desire to read goes right out the window.
Gil, our partner Inky, and I are also grateful for our situations. Throughout this whole time, the three of us have been doing family dinner nights, where we all cook together and watch a show or a movie. It’s helped us all become closer and it’s been such a gift during this hell year. And we’ve caught up on so many shows! Although they both declined to watch the shows we’re talking about here?!
Ursula: I think in the case of at least one of these shows, they made the right call. But we’ll get to that a bit later. Let’s start with the show that has been an unexpected balm to both our souls: Say I Do.
Kurt: The premise of this show made me cringe. I hate the idea of a surprise anything, so an actual surprise wedding sounds like a logistical nightmare. How do you choose everything for your spouse? Dresses/tuxes, decor, food, venue, etc. etc. Fortunately, this show calmed every one of my fears. I...liked this show? A lot?
Ursula: I like it, too! This show is not, as I had it thought it would be, about people who just want to surprise their partner with a wedding out of a misguided sense of romance and excitement. Weddings take a lot of planning, and people are understandably particular about them; you can’t just spring a wedding on your partner and expect it to go smoothly, though the inevitable chaos it would cause might be fun television in its own way. But that’s not what this show is at all. What we get to witness instead is couples who have already been together for a long time, and who’ve dealt with some significant challenges along the way: tragic deaths, drug abuse, stints in jail. If you’re a crier, you will cry.
Kurt: I was so ready for this to be another Bridezilla or Say Yes to the Dress, where these so-called “happy” occasions are overshadowed in favor of the drama of people being shitty to each other. I was pleasantly surprised with Say I Do! The empathy of the people involved was apparent from the first episode.
Ursula: I was especially touched by the couple from Episode 2, who took in their two young nephews after the boys’ parents weren’t capable of raising them anymore. When we meet the couple, they’ve put everything they have into taking care of these kids that they weren’t planning on, and planning a wedding fell off their priority list pretty quickly. I mean, hell, I wanted to go to their wedding. They deserved a celebration.
Kurt: I loved that episode too! The first episode turned me into a sobbing mess. The husband wanted to give his wife the wedding of her dreams, since their wedding a few years prior was a disaster, and to make matters worse, there were some major deaths in her family. It was such a heavy life story, but I was also glad to see how kind and supportive the three hosts of the show were.
If I’m not mistaken, this is produced by the same team that brings us the new seasons of Queer Eye, so it has that feel to it, but I think it’s a little less manic than that show can get at times. And I was so thankful that Thai (fashion), Gabe (food), and Jeremiah (design) are less concerned with being extra, and more concerned with taking a backseat to the couples on the show. I do appreciate that we’re seeing a nicer, gentler, and sweeter kind of reality TV, along with shows like Tidying Up, Nailed It, and the Great British Baking Show.
Ursula: That’s a really good point; I also like the gentle pivot that some reality shows are taking towards genuine kindness and goodwill. In Say I Do, I admit I’m rather ambivalent about the three hosts. I get why the show wants to capitalize on the popularity of Queer Eye, with three charismatic, talented queer men orchestrating the wedding-planning process, but I’d also love to see some women running the show. If my gender is going to be marketed to and molded by the wedding industrial complex from the moment we’re born, I also want some of us to make an embarrassing amount of money off it.
Kurt: That is an extremely valid point! I would absolutely love to see some women hosts or even some--gasp!--trans hosts! I’m glad for the exposure the queer (gay?) community gets for these shows, but there is so much more diversity out there, I’d be glad to see more of it. Nay, I DEMAND it!
Ursula: Absolutely! This show also features some gay couples, but I agree that we still need a lot more diversity.
One word that kept coming to mind while I watched Say I Do was redemption. Not in the religious sense, but in the way that these couples--who, to my mind, have already been married in spirit long before the ceremony--have the opportunity to bless and celebrate their already beautiful relationships. I’m really sorry for using the word “bless.”
Kurt: It’s appropriate, though. These couples have lived extraordinary lives, and it feels good to watch them have a moment of reprieve. Especially now, because we could all use a little of that! I think I watched this show at the right time. My days are filled with doomscrolling and my nights are filled with dreams about me forgetting my mask in public (come on, brain, stop it), so watching a show like this did my soul good.
Ursula: Me, too. It’s also interesting that each episode also includes an opportunity for one of the two partners to clear the air on something else in their life that’s been bothering them. In Episode 3, we watch the husband-to-be talk to his mother, a former sheriff, about how difficult it was for him that she refused to visit him when he was in prison. It’s a really touching moment and reinforces the notion that a marriage is about much more than a wedding. It’s about family and honesty and vulnerability. The wedding, for these couples, is a well-deserved bonus.
Kurt: And I think a lot of weddings miss out on those elements. It seems in a lot of cases it becomes more about other people’s needs and comfort and less about the actual spouses. I’ve been to several weddings where choices were made--to the chagrin of the couple--so certain people’s feet weren’t stepped on, so to speak.
And I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I can’t wait to watch more of this marriage-themed show! It really exceeded my expectations. I give Say I Do a big ol’ recommendation!
While we’re on the subject of great marriage shows, this next one is not that! At all! It’s called Married at First Sight.
Ursula: This show is like high fructose corn syrup. It’s instantly pleasurable and addictive, but will make you feel ill very quickly.
Kurt: It’s the 3 a.m. McDonald’s run. Sure, those chicken nuggets and that 64 oz. diet Dr. Pepper might taste good in the moment, but you’re in for a lot of misery later. Don’t get us wrong, this show is bad but it is, unfortunately, entirely bingeable.
Ursula: It’s true. As we write this, I’m two episodes away from the end of the season we’re watching for this newsletter (Season 9, currently available on Netflix), and I’m both deeply invested and incredibly disgusted.
Kurt: NINE SEASONS y’all. The premise is that a bunch of singles get paired together by a panel of “relationship experts,” and the couples--sight unseen--get hitched in a ceremony in front of god and baby Jesus and everyone. The show then follows them from the ceremony to the honeymoon and beyond.
Ursula: I just looked it up, and over on Lifetime where the show airs live, they’re already deep into the eleventh season. Can you imagine? This show kind of doesn’t know what to do with itself other than keep reminding the viewers that what its couples are doing is, at best...weird. There are a lot of talking heads from the experts where they say things like “Normally, when a couple goes on their honeymoon, they already know each other intimately. But NOT THESE GUYS!” As if we could forget.
Kurt: It is bizarre, but I think it also says something about our lonely lonely society. In addition to there being the obvious “THIS IS WEIRD” reminders, there is also a large religious element to it. One of the experts is a pastor (AKA “spiritual advisor”), which was a big red flag for me. As far as I can tell all of the couples are some form of Christian. At times I thought it felt like an extended advertisement for Christian Mingle.
Ursula: OK, I’m so glad you brought that up. I noticed it too! This season takes place in Charlotte, North Carolina, so it’s not that some element of religion is surprising, but it does come up QUITE a bit. (There’s also an awkward product-placement moment when one couple buys food from Sonic.) It makes me curious about the previous seasons of this show, which fortunately, for the sake of my mental health, are not on Netflix.
Beyond that, I agree with you about this show being, in some ways, a reflection of the loneliness and isolation that a lot of people experience in our society. And by that, I mean...I want to talk about Amber.
Kurt: Oh Amber, our sweet summer child.
Ursula: TRULY! I know she’s 27, but she’s got this sort of teenage sensibility when it comes to her marriage, and it breaks my heart. She’s so sweet and naive, and her desperation for love and security practically wafts off her in every scene. Unfortunately for Amber, a husband--even the best husband in the world, which we quickly realize Matt is NOT--will not be able to make up for her mother abandoning her when she was young. I want to protect her at all costs.
Kurt: I truly feel for Amber, more than any of the people on this show. And Matt...hoo boy, what a piece of work. Everyone has a “flaw” on this show, and Matt’s is that his entire family is just mysteriously not in the picture. Oh, and Amber’s is that her deadbeat mom is a LESBIAN(!). I’m not as far along in the season as you are, but do we get clarification on what happened to Matt’s family? They’re not dead in a ditch somewhere, are they?
Ursula: That was my theory at the beginning, that the reason Matt’s family is absent and he doesn’t want to talk about is that he murdered them. And no, Matt never clarifies what’s really going on there, but based on his behavior later in the season--disappearing without a word overnight! Multiple times!! With a new wife at home who has abandonment issues!!!---I’m guessing he never really felt invested in the process in the first place and didn’t want his family to know that he’s marrying a stranger.
The focus on people’s flaws in this show is really fascinating to me. For the show to work, you have to cast people who, at least superficially, are interesting and attractive and have something to offer. You have to give the couples a chance from the start to feel like, okay, I don’t know my new spouse at all, but at least they’re cute and someone I can have a conversation with. But as you mentioned, the show finds a flaw, or a quirk, or even just a basic point of fact (I think you know where I’m going with this) and makes that the foundation of their personality and ability to be a life partner.
Kurt: Oh I think I do! Like “wild child” Elizabeth, or “spinster” Deonna, or “27-year-old virgin” Iris. What a coincidence that all of the women seem to have clearly defined flaws, but the men...not so much?
Ursula: You’re right, and I’m sad that I didn’t notice that initially. Greg and Keith, in particular, are so strong and stable and reasonable that you have to wonder why they’re on the show at all.
Meanwhile, there’s Iris...poor Iris. She’s model-hot, with a lovely personality and a stable, happy life. But this woman is constantly reduced to her status as a virgin. She has so much more to offer. It’s infuriating to watch.
Kurt: It sucks! And I know damn well that if there was a male virgin on this show he’d be treated differently. Regardless of the fact that virginity is a concept created by the patriarchy. It’s gross and Iris rocks. She’s probably the most likable person on this whole crappy show. Aside from Elizabeth’s father, that is.
Ursula: Oh shit. Let’s get into it.
Kurt: He’s the stereotype of the overprotective father figure brought to creepy, cringey life. Every chance he gets to tell Elizabeth’s husband, Jamie, to “stop kissing my daughter,” I can’t help but think he’s muttering “that’s my job” under his breath. Parents should naturally be protective of their kids, especially in a wild scenario like this, but he takes it to another, bizarrely co-dependent level.
Ursula: Once or twice he literally says that Jamie is taking his place. I want to grab Mr. Elizabeth’s Dad by the lapels and tell him, “You’re her father, he’s her husband. They’re two different relationships. Please tell me you understand this.”
What’s more, as the show goes on, you start to realize how badly that father-daughter dynamic has affected Elizabeth. She’s emotionally immature and doesn’t take accountability for any of her mistakes, probably because she’s never had to. It’s hard to watch, but I have a certain amount of empathy for Elizabeth because to a point, it isn’t her fault. No one ever taught her to be an adult.
Jamie is a different story, however. He COULD be a good dude. He CHOOSES to be a dick.
Kurt: When they highlighted Jamie in the first episode, I predicted he’d be a total asshole, based on that shaved head alone. Good to know I was right! This show is garbage, but it is delicious garbage. I don’t want to watch any more of it, but simultaneously, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. I cannot in good conscience recommend it to any of our readers...unless you’ve also acquired a taste for sweet trash.
Ursula: If anything, I’d recommend watching the second episode, when the couples are first revealed to each other at the altar. It’s genuinely fun to see their reactions. Beyond that, I agree, you really don’t need to watch this show.
Kurt: Now, I have a little mini-exercise for us. Do you think the hosts of MAFS would have paired you with JD? Why or why not?
Ursula: Oh, I LOVE this question. I actually don’t think they would have, at least based on who we were when JD and I first met. Take the question of kids--I’d always wanted to have children, and I had to make a choice about that when I got together with JD because he did not want them at all. That’s a big life choice, and I think we’d have been disqualified as a couple because of it.
I’m with you--I’ll finish this season, but I’m not putting myself through any more MAFS. And I want to ask you the same question: would you and Gil have been matched up?
Kurt: I mean, this show is super-hetero, so I probably wouldn’t have made it past the first round. But, if they allowed queer people a chance at arranged marriages...I don’t know. Gil and I are alike in so many ways, so from that viewpoint, I think we might have been paired together. Then again, when the two of us first met, neither of us were interested in the idea of marriage at all. So I’m sure the “spiritual advisor” would have flagged us for that. And for the fact that we’re both pretty non-religious people.
Ursula: Oof, yeah, this is my straight privilege showing! MAFS never makes any mention of queer people. And I think what happened in both of our relationships--our desires and expectations for the future changing because of the person we were with--is incredibly common and something you just can’t solve for with an arranged marriage. It’s such a monumental risk.
Kurt: Marriage was so far down on the list of life goals for me. But this show highlights how important it is for a lot of people. It’s not a bad thing to want to get married, but it shouldn’t be the only thing to aspire to! I think we touched on this in a previous issue, but marriage isn’t the final chapter! There’s so much work to be done when and if you choose to reach that milestone.
Ursula: Yeah, that’s what the focus of the last few issues has been so far: will you stay married to this person because you’re genuinely happy, or because you just want to be married, no matter what?
Kurt: And that’s an important distinction! Another big question is: how do I stop a horny sociologist--Pepper Schwartz, one of the show’s expert--from coming into my house and playing in my underwear drawer? Because it happened so much in that one episode that I’m questioning the security of my unmentionables storage.
Ursula: Oh yeah, that’s her signature move, isn’t it? She comes into your house to make sure your underwear drawer is suitable for marriage and subtly shame you if you have sexy lingerie in there? It reminded me of that old commercial that resurfaced online recently, where Ben Affleck does a voiceover in gentle praise of his wife’s simple cotton underwear—to sell Diet Coke, of all things. (There’s so much to unpack there that I may have to insist on a full issue devoted to the commercial at some point.) But look, as Elizabeth says, “No shame in the game.”
Kurt: But there’s plenty of shame on Married at First Sight! And in my heart!
What do you lovely readers think? Are you a fan of compassionate reality television? Would you ever want to be married at first sight? Do you know where your undergarments are right now?
We’re going to resume our monthly schedule after this. It’s hard out there for everyone, but hopefully we can bring you a little lighthearted fun amid all the daily chaos.
Stay safe out there, y’all!