KURT: Happy October, everyone! Hope you’ve been all enjoying the autumnal weather as much as possible, and taking care of yourself for totally normal reasons why would you need to take care of yourselves everything is fine hahaha……
Anyway it’s also Halloween season and LGBT History Month, and because of that we’re taking a look at the spooky, scary world of POLYAMORY (*haunted house sound effects*).
For those that might need a refresher, Kurt (that’s me!) is in a polyamorous relationship with Gil (my spouse) and Inky (our partner). So let’s do this! Make with the questions, Ursula!
Ursula: Yay! OK, let’s start at the beginning. You and Gil have been married for four years now. Can you tell me about your marriage before you became polyamorous?
So we were very much in an open relationship around the time we got married. And I think that’s an important distinction. For us, an open relationship was more of a casual thing. We’d date people, but we didn’t intend to foster serious relationships outside of our own. But as our relationship/marriage evolved, we both found ourselves wanting something more; casual dating was fun, but it wore thin. We decided to become polyamorous but it wasn’t a while until anything significant changed. For a time we were just polyamorous in name only, going on dates just as before.
I’m learning so much already--for some reason I had thought that it was a much newer thing for you. So knowing that, what led you to first consider polyamory? Were you polyamorous before getting together with Gil?
This ties back into our first issue, in that I had never been a marriage-oriented person. I hadn’t really given any thought to polyamory vs open relationships before. They used to be interchangeable terms to me. My first exposure to open relationships was in college, when I pursued a friends-with-benefits relationship. My then-partner gave his blessing, but I don’t think he was ever truly comfortable with it, in retrospect. I was in an open relationship, but he was monogamous for the most part. We tried threesomes and group play, but I think we were both uncomfortable with it for our respective reasons.
I’ve been using “polyamory” as a blanket term here, so just to level-set, is it fair to say someone is polyamorous if they’re in a committed relationship with more than one person at once, and that having an open relationship covers a wider range of things?
I think so. Your mileage may vary, but that’s how I see it.
Every successfully polyamorous person I know has said that open communication and clear boundaries among everyone involved are crucial. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’m curious what boundaries were important to you and Gil. Were there hiccups you experienced along the way?
Boundaries are absolutely essential to every relationship. But being poly took that to another level! We had a number of boundaries going into our open relationship, and we revised them from time to time. Some of those boundaries carried over into our poly life. But many of those rules didn’t make sense for us anymore. That’s one of the nuggets of advice I could give. Your rules don’t have to be set in stone. If a rule isn’t working for one or more of you, talk about it, and see if an alteration is in order. For instance, in the open relationship days, we made a rule about no sleepovers. And we stuck to it until we figured out that wasn’t really working for us, and changed it up. In retrospect, that feels like one of our first baby steps into polyamory.
And hiccups? Oh, we’ve had our share. This is the first poly relationship for either of us. To a degree, we didn’t know what to expect, or how we’d react. So when Gil started dating Inky, and it was clear this was becoming a serious relationship, I found my walls going up. I was resistant. Seeing the two of them together felt different from just dating a random whoever. There was a weight behind it when I realized this relationship was the real deal. And that scared me. Part of me was also jealous of them finding this seemingly instant connection, when meanwhile, I was going on bad date after bad date. And that didn’t help quiet my irrational fears of abandonment! But, as time went by, we all found an equilibrium. It was hard for me to get past thinking of Inky as just Gil’s partner, but I’m glad I did. He’s now as important a member of this family as me or Gil. It just took time.
That jealousy and fear of abandonment is, I think, what keeps a lot of people from exploring an open relationship--and I’m not judging; it’s definitely the main reason that I’m monogamous. JD would be fine to try opening things up, but it’s a moot point since I’m not comfortable.
The jealousy is no joke. I’ve had to do a lot of work--in and out of therapy--to figure out where those feelings were coming from. I think for some people, poly/open relationships are great in theory, but in reality it is a ton of work, especially if anyone is predisposed to jealousy. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but I found myself feeling that way all the same.
Right! I think there’s a fantasy version of polyamory where everyone gets to kiss everybody else and no one ever feels weird about it or asks any questions, and honestly I’m INTO THAT, but it’s not realistic.
Oh what a utopian idea! But everyone has feelings, and every poly relationship is different. And I think that’s one of the biggest misconceptions: that it’s just like one big sex party or something. For us, being poly isn’t focused on that. And maybe for some that’s true, and more power to those people!
In the early days of this relationship, I fielded so many questions from other queers--some genuinely curious, other more...pervy--asking about how our relationship worked. Were we all “boyfriends?” Did I have sex with Inky, too? Or did we all three have sex together? Those are uncomfortable questions to be asked by casual acquaintances! It’s fine to want to know more about what it’s like to live poly, but good lord, what happens--or doesn’t happen!--in our relationship is really our own business.
Yeah! Curiosity is fine and normal, but people need to be respectful about it, for instance by starting a marriage-themed newsletter with their polyamorous friend and interviewing them about their relationship.
Suddenly it all becomes SO CLEAR to me!
It also seems like the simultaneous nosiness and judgment you might experience as a poly person comes from the same place as the reasons that some folks are twitchy about, say, queer people having sex, or the status of trans people’s genitalia, or women having control over their own bodies. It’s a focus on little logistical details, details that are often intensely private, all of which pale in comparison to the reality of a person just living their truth.
Let’s get into some of the cringey stuff. I’ve seen so many instances of people (almost entirely straight men who’ve found their way onto Reddit Relationships) who say they want an “open relationship,” but it’s painfully obvious that what they really want is free rein to have sex with whomever they like, no rules. BONUS POINTS if their actual partner has no idea!
Can I just say that polyamory should never be used as an excuse to fuck around on your partner. That’s just what we call cheating! That’s a bad take I constantly come across, that poly people are just sluts that are unhappy in their relationships and looking for an avenue to cheat.
I think that relates back to what I think is the most important in any relationship: honesty. Our relationship would not work if we all weren’t honest with each other. There had been times when I wasn’t as forthcoming with my feelings, and other times when our honesty caused a lot of tension. But the point is that we stay honest!
In the early days of the pandemic, I thought a lot about people in newer relationships who had to make some tough, fast decisions about who they were spending time with. Like, if you’ve been dating someone for just a few months, do you move in together? Jump ship? Wait it out? And then there are people in secret affairs, which is a whole other can of WTF. I’m sure the decision-making process was similarly complex for folks in open relationships. How has the pandemic affected your arrangement?
I don’t envy anyone in those positions! It must be incredibly frustrating. I know of several couples that had already planned on moving in together, and the pandemic made it extra stressful. But in a way I’m fortunate Gil and Inky started dating last year. I don’t know what our relationship would look like if it had happened during the start of the pandemic.
And in one of those silver lining situations, the pandemic has made all three of us closer as a result. We do family dinner at least twice a week, and all three of us are more focused on having quality time with each other.
Oh man, can you imagine if you and Inky couldn't stand each other???
I am so glad I came around to loving Inky and accepting him as family. Like I said, the early days were rough. But I needed to take that time to be resistant. I have strong walls, okay! It takes a while for me to let people in.
Oh, boy. I get that.
Something I read about open relationships long ago that stuck with me was: make sure you make time for your primary partner, and that they don’t just turn into your roommate/co-parent/person you split household chores with while you find love and romance elsewhere. Having seen the way you and Gil interact, I doubt that’s an issue, but does it resonate with your experience?
It’s a balancing act. From the beginning, we set up a schedule, and that helped a lot. Some nights, Gil stays with Inky, other nights, Gil stays home with me, and two nights a week we all cook together. Having a schedule has ensured we all get a good amount of time together. Of course there have been times where I’ve felt lonely, but it’s nice to have a relationship where we can be honest with each other and say those things and be heard.
I know what you mean in terms of having a marriage where you can be like “I don’t like this thing and it makes me feel bad,” and you can have a conversation about it, but it doesn’t destroy the relationship. That’s such a good feeling.
It’s almost revolutionary when you are in a relationship that is open and honest! I went through so many relationships where I closed myself off, and thought that was just the norm!
I love that society is slowly recognizing that monogamy isn’t the One True Way for everyone. What would you recommend to people who are curious about opening up their relationship? Any resources or advice you’d like to share?
The first thing I would suggest is reading the fabulous book The Ethical Slut. It dives deep into the subjects of open relationships and polyamory, and all of the problems and joys that come with it.
There are a ton of resources online, but the one I’ve found most helpful is Poly.Land, and the website Autostraddle has a great feature called Poly Pocket.
Oh and if you’re looking for a lovely, exciting, sexy, and daring show to watch, I can’t recommend Sense 8 highly enough. It takes the ideas of polyamory, identity, and found family to wild new levels.
And, if you’re able to go to therapy, finding a therapist that is experienced in non-traditional relationships is a real godsend.
Ugh, yes, therapy forever and always. Is there anything else you want to mention about polyamory?
Everyone’s idea of polyamory is going to look different. There’s no standard for how your poly relationship should look. And comparing your relationship to others is an invitation to a bad time, no matter what kind of relationship it is. I think that’s another important point: a lot of polyamory isn’t that different from your typical monogamous relationship, but there are extra considerations.
Good advice, even for the monogamous among us, I think. OK, I’m feeling all sappy now and have one more question. What’s your favorite thing about poly life?
Oh that’s a great question! Being poly has helped me discover who I am and what I want out of a relationship. I spent so many years trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be, and I got comfortable with that. Realizing I can be in a supportive, accepting relationship with more than one person, and truly be myself, is nothing short of life changing.
Kurt, you’ve been really open about all this and I want to thank you for it. If any of our readers are polyamorous or in open relationships, we’d love to hear your thoughts, too! What do you love about it? What advice do you have? Honestly, friends, even if you want to comment like “the world is chaotic and I can’t focus on your cute lil newsletter right now,” we get it. Come on in and get a warm hug. We’ll see you next month.
Great piece. My partner and I have been poly for over ten years. It's evolved a lot over that time. He's had a boyfriend for over four years, and the three of us get along quite well. I've found that in regard to relationships in my life, a poly life is the most satisfying. It feels natural to me to want/be able to have relationships with more than just one individual at a time.