Issue 2: Why Marriage, Anyway?

Kurt: We’re back! Hello! First of all, we’d like to express our thanks to everyone who read our first issue. It feels great to have made good on an idea that has been marinating in our minds for such a long time. And to have that project realized feels pretty darn good! We hope you have as much fun reading Matrimonium as we do writing it. 

And now let’s get into issue 2!

Ursula: This month, we wanted to get real meta and discuss why it was important for each of us to get married. Neither of us HAD to get married; there were no land deals waiting on the joining of our hands to some business tycoon’s. Neither of us follow religious tenets saying we had to marry our partners or otherwise be living the sinful life. We both lived with our now-husbands before getting married, and realistically we could have just done that forever. 

So: why get married? What does it mean for us, in this century?

To start off, I think we should just acknowledge that both of us got married because of, you know, love and commitment to our respective partners. All that stuff is a given. But again, we could have had all that without recognition from the state. 

For me, there were several reasons. I’d always wanted and expected marriage for myself—it’s hard to escape that when you’re inundated with the fairy tales and Disney movies where marriage is the ultimate goal for women—but the feeling became especially urgent in my mid-twenties, when other women my age were getting married in what felt like a whirlwind. I’ll admit I had some serious FOMO about that. I also craved the stability and security that marriage promised, though of course I knew that was no guarantee. I’m a child of divorce--I knew it could all blow up in my face! But I wanted to at least try.

The part that I’m actually a little ashamed of is that, in a way, I wanted to hurry up and get married so that I could move on with the rest of my life. Like I could check the MARRIAGE box on the Checklist of Being A Person, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. I somehow felt I’d be a more legitimate adult woman if I had a husband by my side (oof). Does that make sense? 

Kurt: It does make sense! In straight culture, marriage is such a massive milestone. And it’s pretty much a given. Us LGBTQ people were denied that milestone for a long, long time (civil unions and domestic partnerships notwithstanding, they weren’t the same thing on a fundamental level). And being one of the only queers at a straight wedding is UNCOMFORTABLE and I went to many of them (that whirlwind you mentioned) and I would feel like I didn’t belong.

I definitely felt some light resentment of my straight friends. They have always had the option to become “more legitimate” in the eyes of society. Regardless of how their married lives worked out. But now that we’re able to get married just as easily as the straights, we can have that milestone too, and all that comes with it. Before Gil, I was in a long term relationship for a little over a decade. I have to wonder if gay marriage were legal back then, would we have gotten married? And would it have been the right decision for us? Ultimately I don’t think so!

Ursula: I love that thought experiment (and I’m so glad the Supreme Court finalized legalized gay marriage, though of course we have so much more work to do for queer rights and representation). When I started dating, as far back as middle school, there were always these inevitable questions in my mind: is this guy The One? Does he have a tolerable last name? What would our children look like? It was very romantic, but also kind of sad, and then I got older and realized that it was okay to just date people without expectations for the future. I had this one boyfriend for a few months in college who was a good time, but very wrong for me in most ways, and I remember one of my friends asking me if I thought I’d marry him. I pretty much instantly said “Oh, no, I’d never marry him. This is just fun for now,” and she looked a little bit shocked at that. I felt a little shocked saying it! 

Kurt: Awww look at you, using men for your entertainment! I’m proud of you. Similarly, when I was in college at the same time, I dove into an open relationship with my then partner, who was...not okay with it in retrospect. At least not at first. But I was very okay with it. It was my first glimpse into what polyamory might ultimately hold for me. But Ursula, I’m so glad we had fun on our own terms in college! Unbeknownst to each other!

Okay now I think we’re in danger of veering off-topic. For what I’m sure won’t be the last time. So, what else about married life surprised you?

Ursula: I think it was a little surprising for me that, even though our day-to-day lives didn’t change much after our wedding, the psychological shift from having a boyfriend to having a husband was huge. It made who we are to each other feel so much more real. And marriage has forced me to get more honest with myself about who I am and what I really want, and to tackle whatever issues JD and I might have head-on. I hate conflict. It makes me feel AWFUL. So where in the past I might have just broken up with someone, or sat quietly in my own rage and frustration, now I have to take the risk of telling JD when something is bothering me. It’s still hard to do that, but the only alternative would be the death of our marriage, which is even scarier. I guess the point is that being married forced me to grow up.

Plus, honestly, I just love getting to say that I have a husband. For me—and this is not about anyone else—a BOYFRIEND feels youthful, intangible, flighty. A HUSBAND feels mature, solid, dependable. Oh, a husband, you say? Yeah, I’ve got one of those.

Kurt: No, listen, getting to call my husband MY HUSBAND gives me a little thrill every time I say it. It’s absolutely a status thing for me. Also it feels a little punk? Like, getting to legitimately call Gil my husband feels like a great middle finger to heteronormative culture. For all the conservative minds in this country, you failed. I have a HUSBAND now, so fuck off.

Ursula: Yes, I love that. 

Kurt: The day-to-day didn’t change much for us, either. I was able to get on Gil’s insurance and we discovered that instead of spending money on rent, we could be paying less as a mortgage payment, so we decided to buy a condo. Being married made that much easier for sure. But we could have done it if we were just partners. 

Ursula: Yeah, the insurance and financial stuff is definitely easier as a married couple. The thing is, JD would have been happy just living together in a sort of common-law thing forever. But I was clear with him that I wanted to get married. So he proposed, spontaneously, late one night while we were getting undressed after my sister’s wedding. (I KNOW! Weddings will do that to a person.) Then the very next day I moved into his apartment—which had been our plan for a while—and it was so weird to secretly think “I’m moving in with my fiance!” rather than “I’m moving in with my boyfriend!” Because that was the other thing—we couldn't tell anyone. Again, my sister had JUST gotten married and I wasn’t about to steal her thunder. A few months later we got my engagement ring and I was finally able to share the news.

Kurt: We got engaged in much the same way. We had been together for a couple of years and were already living together, and we were busy cleaning the apartment in anticipation of Gil’s mom coming to visit. At one point, Gil got this look on his face, and got incredibly bashful (so rare and so beautiful), and I had to coax it out of him a little, but I quickly figured out what the conversation was about.

Gil and I were all-in. There was an ease to our relationship that I hadn’t experienced before. It just seemed like the logical next step. We didn’t get married for anyone but ourselves. And most of the weddings I’d been to were the opposite of that. So many couples compromised on what their families wanted, and you could feel it at the ceremony. Also, ceremonies are dumb. Okay, maybe not dumb, but we had ours with only our closest friends and family, and that made it all the more special for us. We weren’t having this wedding for anyone but us.

Ursula: See, as much as I would like to SAY I got married to JD only for ourselves, I know that’s not true for me, though it’s probably true for him. I’m like you in that I experienced an ease and naturalness—and so much joy and laughter—with JD that hadn’t been present in any of my other relationships, and I very much wanted to consecrate that in marriage. But I was also feeling a significant amount of insecurity and social pressure to get married, even though—truly—no one was pressuring us at all. If anything, there were some very gentle “hey, why don’t you guys maybe...not rush into this?” moments from a few family members, but even that was mild (and warranted—we got engaged after a year of knowing each other. Fair enough). For some reason I went into my engagement and wedding plan with a strong sense of defiance. 

That’s not to say I regret it at all! I love being married. But there was this weird, nebulous urgency I felt that told me to GET MARRIED AND SCREW ANYONE WHO DARES TO TRY AND STOP YOU. Lol. No one was remotely trying to stop us.

Kurt: I’m honestly trying to recall any instances of pressure on us either way. I don’t know if it just seemed like a given to our friends and family? And as much as I say we didn’t do this for anyone else, we definitely did it for our family, both biological and found. Although the one person I was truly excited to tell was my dad. And he was...let’s just say he was surprised but not exactly thrilled. Which shouldn’t have surprised me but it did. I digress, but I’m sure we could save an entire issue for talking about the examples our parents set for us!

Ursula: Oh boy, yeah, I have a lot to say about that, too. I think my parents were happy for me, but since my sister had just gotten married it might have been a lot for them to take all at once. Parents aren’t always the right audience for certain life achievements and events, I feel like. Even if they adore you and support you, there’s probably always some part of them that’s just worried, or having a hard time accepting that you’re an adult. 

Back to the topic of our weddings—tell me more about why you dislike ceremonies! Obviously they’re not as fun as the reception, but I’m a sucker for a good ceremony, meaning it’s thoughtful and reflects the couple and is relatively short. 

Kurt: I think it all revolves around feeling like an outsider. It’s hard to resolve sitting in a church of a religion that frowns on—or outright hates—who I am as a human being. Your religion may vary, but it’s not something that I can just pretend is fine. 

Ursula: Oh that’s VERY true. Admittedly I go to so few religious weddings anymore that I’d momentarily forgotten how alienating they can be. I went to one a few years ago where the priest was like “any marriage that does not include God in it is a false marriage,” and JD and I just looked at each other, hand in hand, like, WTF is going on? I knew that it was going to be a Christian ceremony and was prepared for that in general, but that part really bothered me. It probably bothered several people! And I wondered whether the bride and groom knew that he’d say that and whether they agreed with it. 

Kurt: Could it be that religious ceremonies are an industry the millennials are killing?! I think we both avoided that obstacle. Gil and I had a very small, non-religious (but spiritually inspired) ceremony because we wanted to avoid the trappings of traditional weddings. The weekend after, we had a reception party with all of our friends and family. I don’t think Gil or I sacrificed what we wanted out of it; I have zero regrets about how we got married. You and JD did something similar, if I recall correctly.

Ursula: That’s right! We also had a very small ceremony with just close friends and family, with a reception that night that everyone else got invited to. My dad got ordained online and married us--he’s a good public speaker and I knew he’d write us a nice, secular ceremony. The whole thing took about five minutes, which was great because we had an outdoor ceremony and it was 30 degrees. 

Having a private ceremony was a compromise for me. I’d have been happy to invite everyone, but JD felt really uncomfortable putting such a huge moment in front of a big audience. But I was fine to give him that since, you know, getting married at all was entirely my idea.

Kurt: I think a lot of it boils down to what you want to get out of your wedding(s), and who you are doing it for. Many of the weddings I’ve been to, I found myself asking the latter question a lot. 

Ursula: Me too. And that goes for your life beyond the wedding, to make this conversation come full circle. If you’re marrying someone because you feel like you have to—wherever that pressure may stem from—that’s probably not a great reason. There are so many ways to be partnered and to make a family; marriage is just one option. It’s truly not for everyone, and I say that without any judgment. It’s a huge, weird commitment! 

Kurt: It doesn’t feel less weird, for me, either. Three years in and I’m still wondering how I got to this point. And not in a bad way! It just feels so different than how I thought my life would turn out.

Ursula: I know. Sometimes I’m amazed I even made it this far. There’s always been a small part of me that’s assumed my marriage was not going to last (which is mostly my anxiety talking). And, sure, there’s still plenty of time for it to fail. But so far, it hasn’t. It actually keeps getting...better??? 

Anyway, maybe that’s a good place to wrap things up. Readers, feel free to email us and let us know why you got married. Or even better, tell us why you didn’t! We’d love to hear. And we’ll see you in March!