Issue 12: Trad Wives, Etsy, and Some Really Upsetting T-Shirts
RIP to our Etsy algorithms.
Kurt: It’s the tail-end of August, and it is truly the garbage summer we never asked for, but somehow the one we all deserve. Going outside in Chicago is like walking through creamed corn fresh out of the microwave. But it’s a good thing no one in positions of power believes climate change is a thing, right?
Anyway, since we didn’t get to truly live our Hot Girl Summer™, we instead spent our time going down weird rabbit holes on the internet. Come join us, won’t you?
Ursula: We’re getting extremely niche in this issue, friends. We’ve talked in the past about the way couples live out their marriages on social media. Now we’re going to talk about trad wives.
Trad wife culture is an online-driven celebration of being a wife and mother foremost. The trad wife is, typically, a conservative, white, Christian wife/mother/homemaker. Her husband is unquestionably the authority of the household, and we know this because the trad wife talks about it a lot. He’s the man, the one around whom everyone else revolves. The trad wife hates feminism, obviously, except when it’s convenient for her--like when she defends her lifestyle with “it’s my choice.” (Which, yeah, it is! No one cares! You do you!)
Kurt: I really had no idea that a trad wife was a thing until we started writing this issue. So...thanks, I guess? My only indication of this was our issue on performing marriage online.
Ursula: This is one of those things that wouldn’t be especially interesting without the sheen of Instagram or TikTok. You love your husband and children and get joy and fulfillment out of making a home for them? Great! But if you build a big screw-you-if-you-dare-disagree-with-me brand around what is a very common way to live, it feels like the lady doth protest too much. What exactly are you defending, and why do you feel the need to defend it so hard?
Kurt: I feel like it’s the similar kind of defensiveness that the straights have for the gays. “You’re gay? Don’t hit on me! I’m straight!” Yeah, no worries there, Larry. You have a Punisher logo on your pickup truck and your bed doesn’t have sheets or a bedframe.
I think with ours and younger generations we’re seeing less of that kind of defensiveness. Plenty of my friends have kids, but I can’t really see any of them making that one aspect of their lives all-encompassing. “Sorry friends, I AM MOM AND WIFE ONLY NOW.” But I am so intrigued by trad wife culture. Is “intrigued” the right word? Or is it more like “morbidly curious?”
Ursula: There are some excellent pieces out there about the trad wife, like HERE and HERE, and I don’t need to rehash them. What I DO want to get into is how trad wife culture has unfolded on Etsy. Because although the trad wife is ostensibly a full-time wife and mother, who does not have a paying job, a lot of them have made lucrative careers living out their lives online. They have blogs! They do sponsored Instagram ads! And now Etsy is overrun with t-shirts extolling the virtues of the lifestyle. There are mugs and hats and stickers too, but in my opinion a $32 t-shirt proclaiming, in at least two mismatched fonts, that my husband has a gun and will happily shoot you in the face if you try and flirt with me is really the height of trad wife merch. That’s love, baby!
Kurt: I’m honestly impressed that the t-shirt culture on Etsy is strangely equal opportunity. You and your spouse can have your own problematic sayings on a customizable shirt, hoodie, or muscle tee!
Ursula: Oh yes. The trad wives have husbands, as they like to remind us, and the husbands deserve kooky t-shirts of their own. Shall we go through a few of our favorites?
Kurt: Only if we can rank them on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 equals “I have a healthy outlook on love, family, and relationships,” and 10 equals “Mom’s been getting all her marital advice from QAnon again.” Oh, and we are not providing any links to these shirts, because no one should be wearing them. Ever.
Ursula: So there are a couple categories of merch we can talk about here. The first--and perhaps my favorite--is the “wife of a [man with a job]” category. Trad wives really identify HARD with their husbands’ lines of work, especially (for some reason?) the ones married to linemen.
Kurt: There’s a depressing subtext to many of the shirts for wives. A lot of them acknowledge their husbands work such long hours that they’re rarely home. But it’s spun as a joke, usually in near-incomprehensible cursive font. “Yes, my husband is still at work LOL” Ain’t it grand! Is he working long hours? Or is he avoiding you because you bought that goddamn shirt?!
WIFE OF [SOME GUY WITH A JOB] TEES:
Ursula: Is there a stereotype about electricians being “imaginary”? My brother-in-law is an electrician. I am SUSPICIOUS.
Score: 4/10
Kurt: Listen, we here at Matrimonium are vehemently ACAB. And this shirt just baffles me. Are there good cops? Highly debatable! Do these wives have to be “strong” because their husbands are terrible human beings? Highly probable!
Score: 7/10
Kurt: For some reason, I really enjoy this. Maybe it’s the word “booty.” Maybe it’s the three different fonts. Maybe I’m choosing to regard this as a sex-positive shirt. Booty is a gender neutral term, after all, so this shirt could be for anyone. Fun fact: I dated a trucker for a brief time! I wouldn’t say he was crazy, however.
Score: 2/10
Ursula: We have an incredible blend of themes here: the lineman, depicted on the pole, which looks (intentionally, right???) like a cross. Does this mean that linemen are the second coming? It really makes you think!!
Score: 8/10, with honorable mention for the subtle cheetah print
Ursula: I have to point out that all of the “my husband has a job” shirts, with maybe the exception of this nebulous engineer one, are about traditionally blue-collar work. I guess “my amazing husband is a marketing manager” just doesn’t have the same gravitas.
Kurt: I hate them for using the word “dream” twice.
Score: 6/10
Ursula: Next up, inevitably, are the shirts for husbands. Is there such a thing as a trad husband? I don’t think so, really, but we wanted to talk about these just because of how unhinged they are.
Kurt: The slogan tees for husbands are more focused on their wives’ personality, usually having something to do with how wild and psycHOTic their spouses are. And almost all of the ones I’ve seen indicate that if you flirt with said husband, his wife will LITERALLY FUCKING KILL YOU. Okay, that’s great and all, but what does she do for a living? Does she have a day job when she’s not living her best life as a serial killer? Are you proud of her? We may never know.
Ursula: Also, can we honestly imagine a man buying these shirts for himself? Surely they’re always a gift from the wife in question? I don’t know if that makes the scenario better or worse.
HUSBAND, AKA “CRAZY WIFE” TEES:
Kurt: Your wife is a triangle who knows where to find the bathroom. My wife belongs on the mud-flaps of a semi truck. We are not the same.
Score: 5/10
Ursula: THAT IS TOO MANY WORDS FOR A T-SHIRT. Also, “pretty eyes, thick thighs and cuss too much” who can I sue for profiting off my likeness, hmmmmm??????
Score: 9/10 for near perfect derangement
Ursula: (Scene: I start flirting with this man in a bar. Furious, he grabs his wife by the ankles and uses her body to smack me clear across the face.)
Score: 8/10
Ursula: The third category is a little harder to define, but this is where I’m putting all the shirts for women who just really love identifying as a wife. This is not necessarily the same thing as loving your partner, I feel the need to emphasize! I think it’s more about announcing your status.
THAT WIFE LIFE:
Ursula: Please no one tell me what a “spoiled Disney wife” is. Also, do we think the Walt Disney Co. approved the use of their font for this???? Y/N??
Kurt: How, pray tell, are you “killin’ it”? By making a scene in the line for Space Mountain when they ask you to wear a mask?
Score: 9/10
Kurt: I love how instead of “crazy” the husband's biggest signifier is “grumpy.” How horrible! I’d be more concerned with his anger issues and sociopathy!
Ursula: Honorable mention for seeming to have been written by a bot. And again, this is TOO LONG!
Score: 9/10
Ursula: I guess I don’t have a lot to say about this one other than...OK girl, at least you’re self-aware?
Kurt: This is essentially Rachel from The White Lotus. If you’ve seen it you know what I mean.
Score: 3/10, too sad for full derangement points :(
Ursula: OK, we’re almost done, thank god. This is a bit tangential from the trad wife conversation, but JD really wanted me to mention the matching couple shirts that announce, in one way or another, WE RECENTLY FUCKED:
Ursula: I am so mad that I had to put my Etsy search history through this. Also “RECEIVED” IS SPELLED WRONG, if you’re going to be disgusting you had better proofread!!!
Kurt: I HATE THIS WHY DID YOU MAKE ME SEE THIS. Also, this reads very differently from a queer context, but let’s not open that door just yet.
Score: 10/10 due to the word “load”
Kurt: Well that was a journey I never want to go on again. But I’m glad we went on it together! And yes, RIP to our Etsy algorithms, a noble sacrifice in service of our brand.
Ursula: As a mid-thirties married woman I’m already inundated with ads for fertility treatments and onesies. I can’t wait to see what pops up next.
Kurt: Good readers, what do you think of the trad wife phenomenon? Has it been with us this whole time? Will it forever remain as long as there are bots to write nonsensical slogans? Are you a cRaZy wife? A nonexistent husband? Tell us who you are!